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Q : If a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs ?
Erap : Madali lang yan, ano ako tanga ? Eh di "asociation"

Reporter : Sir, what can you say about the rash of violence here in the Philippines ?
Erap : I didn't even know how to play the guitar..violence pa?

May state visit si Erap sa White House
Bill Clinton : You know, we Americans hate you Filipinos going TNT in our country. Sorry if i'm frank
Erap : It's okay, I thought you were Bill

Erap translating a speech :
We must strive - Kailangan nating magsikap
We must help others - Kailangan nating magtulungan
In union there is strength - sa sibuyas may tigas

Sa drug store
Erap : Pabili nga ng vitamins para sa apo ko
Clerk : Sir, ano pong vitamin? A, B or C ?
Erap : Kahit ano di pa naman marunong magbasa yun eh

Nagbakasyon sa New York si Erap nang may nabunggong 'Kano
Man : Hey, watch where you're goin' you "Mudah-Fuckah"
Erap : Eh tatanga-tanga ka pala, "Madafa ka rin sana"!!
Man : Be cool man, be cool
Erap : Ay taga-Bicol ka pala eh! Okay lang

Habang bumibili ng bubble gum
Erap : Eto bayad ko
Cashier : Sukli po niyo sir
Erap : O! bakit sukli lang? asan yung libreng asukal? Sabi dito sa wrapper "Sugar Free"!

Sa isang Japanese restaurant
Erap : Bigyan mo nga ako nung TA-KE-HO-ME
Waiter : Sir, "Take Home" po ang basa diyan

Dahil sa sobrang dami ng text jokes na kumakalat tungkol sa kanya, nagbigay ng ultimatum si Erap:
Erap : Kapag hindi kayo tumigil sa pagpapakalat ng mga text na yan, I will order the Meralco na putulin na ang line ng Globe

Nung nasa gradeschool pa si Erap:
Teacher : what is 5 plus 4
Erap : eh di 9
Teacher : Very good! how about 4 plus 5 ?
Erap : Lolokohin nyo pa ko eh binaligtad niyo lang, eh di 6

Reporter : Sir, how is your Y2K conversion going on ?
Erap : It's crazy! I can't imagine going to work from MONDAK to FRIDAK and spend SATURDAK and SUNDAK with the kids. Why do they have to convert Y to K anyway ?

Erap's motto in life :
1. Don't judge a book for you are not a judge
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds
3. Tell me who your friends are and I tell you mine
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week

Inofferan ni FPJ si Erap ng Viagra
Erap : Di ko kelangan nyan, merong mas effective dyan
FPJ : ano yun?
Erap : MAALOX, tignan mo sabi sa label - ANTIGAS

Naglilibot si Erap sa isang Elementary School nag may lumapit sa kanya na bata
Bata : Sir, use deduct, defense, detail and defeat in a sentence
Erap : (matagal nag-isip) Eto...Deduct jumped over Defense, Defeat first then Detail

Q : what is a balance sheet ?
Erap : it comes out after a balance diet

Reporter : Sir, bakit poo paik-ika kayong maglakad ?
Erap : Sabi ni Doc mataas ang cholesterol level ko. Kailangan ko daw iwasan yung itlog!